


Actual Fucking Help

by GayRubixCube



Category: Dear Evan Hansen, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Depressed Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Sad bitches, Soft Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Suicide, sincerely three
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 14:29:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29511129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayRubixCube/pseuds/GayRubixCube
Summary: Jared and Evan hadn’t seen Connor in days, and he wasn’t replying to messages, or even reading them.OrConnor attempts, but his boyfriends are there for their emo.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman/Connor Murphy, connor murphy/depression
Comments: 15
Kudos: 10





	Actual Fucking Help

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. 
> 
> Trigger Warning for suicide, scars, self harm, cutting, mental hospitals, hospitals, dark humour one mention of abuse, and mentions of drugs, and swearing. 
> 
> There’s some dark humour in this. I personally find it difficult to write a story that’s completely emotional without any breaks even for a second, and it kinda puts me in a bad mood. So there’s like a few jokes about suicide and self harm and stuff like that. :) STAY SAFE !! Don’t trigger yourself for a shitty fanfiction
> 
> PS. Jared is most definitely out of character because i have zero clue as to how to write him so he’s kindq just... no personality atm

Connor hadn’t come to school on Tuesday.

Or Wednesday.

Or Thursday.

To say Jared and Evan were worried would be the understatement of the century. 

Connor showed up. He didnt always attend classes but he would show up, or if he didn’t, he would text. But none of that. There was no indicator that Connor would be out of school. 

Or even that he was alive. 

Orgasm Dealer

Bathbombs:  
9:48  
why arent u in school

Bathbombs:  
9:48  
bitch

Bathbombs:  
9:48  
we need answers chop chop

Bathbombs:  
9:49  
gtg if i dont have an answer im going to castrate u

Bathbombs:  
9:49  
love u doe  
Delivered 

Con

Tree Fucker:  
9:43  
Con where are you

Tree Fucker:  
9:43  
Sorry

Tree Fucker:  
9:43  
I bought you coffee though and it has extra chocolate !! 

Tree Fucker:  
9:44   
Which was a whole extra two dollars ? 

Tree Fucker:  
9:44   
Insane

Tree Fucker:  
9:44  
Not that it bothers me spending money on you !! Sorry i meant like two dollars for extra chocolate when i could go to wallmart and buy a chocolate bar and dunk it in and let it melt for a dollar and itd probably be more chocolate-y that way

Tree Fucker:  
9:45  
That doesnt sound any better im sorry

Tree Fucker:  
9:45  
Lol  
Delivered

Yeah, sometimes Connor would end up so depressed and tired he just wouldn’t respond. But he at least read the messages, and that’s how his boyfriends would know he was okay - that he was breathing. 

“Evan Hansen and Jared Kleinman please report to the principal’s office.”

The woman on the speakers sounded bored. Like she’d been doing this job for years - she probably had been, Jared, Evan, or even Connor, couldn’t remember anyone elses voice echoing through the halls like that since probably third grade. 

Both Evan and Jared practically sprinted down the halls, they were sure the whole country could hear the sound of their footsteps ricocheting off the metal lockers. Sonic had absolutely fucking nothing on them at that moment. 

The pair barged into the principal’s office without knocking, earning one stern look from Mr Wellsprings, and two “what the fuck”, or in PG13 terms: shocked looks from... Connor’s parents? 

Jared was sure he had a matching or at least similar expression.

“Please take a seat.” Mr Wellsprings gestured to the couch against the window next to the heavy wooden desk that was taking up probably half the room. What a waste. 

Evan didn’t really hear anything coming out of the Murphy’s mouths if he was being honest. That was until

“Connor tried to take his own life Monday night...”

Connor’s father, Larry, remained stoic. A disturbing contrast from Connor’s mother, Cynthia, who seemed to have emotions filling her body instead of organs and veins and whatever else - Evan didn’t like thinking of the human body, he found it weird, and would force himself to forget everything from biology class once the period was over. Organs are kinda gross anyway. 

Words seemed to immediately tumble from both Jared and Evans mouths. 

“W-what?!”

“Is this a sick joke?!” 

“Is he okay?!”

“Where is he?!”

“What the fuck?!”

“Is he alive?!”

A thousand other questions that probably could never in a million years be discerned as proper words came full speed at the Murphys. 

Larry tried to think of the ones he actually heard. 

“He’s alive. He’s at Croxden Hospital. Room 301.” 

Larry went to continue but Evan interrupted him. 

“How did he do it?” All of a sudden it seemed everyone stopped breathing.

“He cut himself.” 

The rooms atmosphere turned tense, you would definitely need a knife to even begin to cut it. Horrible and probably slightly insensitive pun intended. 

“Connor, your cousins are here.” 

A way too fucking cheery nurse walked in. Her name was Janet or something like that. She was always happy, and it actually slightly unnerved him - maybe it was the way she was always smiling while she changed the bandages on his arms where he’d cut. Maybe it was just the fact she seemed like she was about to start giggling when she was asking him serious questions, you know, the “Have you attempted before?”, “What are your diagnoses?”, “Are you still feeling suicidal?”, “How’s your relationship with your parents? They don’t hit you or anything?”. The majority of her questions she most definitely knew the answers to. It literally said in his file. 

“Have you attempted before?”

Yes, several times, and he landed at this exact hospital, several fucking times. 

“What are your diagnoses?”

If she read anything about him, she would know. She would know everything. Fucking Janet. 

“Are you still feeling suicidal?”

Uh. Yes? But he can’t say that. That’ll land him in the pysch ward for even longer. He’s been through this before. He didn’t understand why they kept trying to help. The second time he came here everyone knew he was a lost cause, he knew it, and even though nobody said it directly and quite as blunt to him, Connor could tell they were thinking it. 

“How’s your relationship with your parents?” 

One word. Shit. 

“Do they hit you?”

They don’t. He actually managed to fuck up any bond they had all by himself with no help from them. Impressive, right?

Back on topic: Connor didn’t have any cousins capable of visiting him. 1. Because all of them lived in Florida 2. all of his cousins were between the ages of Literal Fetus and 14, (He normally hated people in general but especially kids, (although he didn’t think that his cousins that were 13 or older counted as kids anymore) but he actually kinda liked them. They didn’t treat him like he was fragile and would off himself at any moment), on the other hand His aunts and uncles didn’t exactly like him, they tolerated him, but he wasn’t dumb and he could feel the stares he got at any family dinner, probably thinking something along the lines of ‘’wow he’s dramatic. Mental illness isnt real he just needs to be happy’’. They weren’t subtle and might as well have been yelling everything they thought about Connor at him. God, he couldn’t even stand thinking of when everyone stopped what they were doing if he excused himself, waiting to have to jump up and call 911, and put pressure on his arms, or keep him awake (you attempt during a family event ONCE!) But then they also stared even if he just pulled his sleeves up to wash the dishes, or to eat without having fabric get in his way. 

“Connor! You scared us shitless.” Connor got very rudely pulled out from his angry and depressing thoughts by Jared’s chest in his face and two (?) sets of arms clinging onto him for dear life. Thank god he didn’t cut his shoulders or something. He cringed thinking what the pain would be like while getting hugged. Yeah he was a self harm addict but it didn’t mean he had a high pain tolerance. He actually probabbly had the lowest pain tolerance of anyone he fucking knew. Which was sort of amusing. He remembered cracking up at that when he was high in his bedroom once. 

“Sorry...” Connor buried his head into the soft fabric. He could think about depressing (but sometimes funny) shit after his boyfriends (cousins? That was definitely a Jared excuse. No doubt about it.) went home.

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t know if i should jusy leave it at this or continue and kinda add onto Connor’s recovery. I find updating kinda difficult cuz I also suffer with really bad depression and can’t always get shit done, but I can try? Idk bro


End file.
